10. 50% of the staff is Mormon

9. Patrick Madrid secretly deposed as editor and replaced by look-alike cyborg.

8. Some articles and departments written by an infinite number of chimpanzees.

7. Monthly staff meetings in Cancun.

6. After minor plastic surgery, actor Michael J. Fox' new identity as Matthew J. Pinto.

5. In an effort to give Envoy readers more variety, the editors plan to roll out "Henvoy," a new line of spicy chicken egg rolls.

4. Creative Director Kinsey Caruth once observed with Julio down by the schoolyard.

3. We've secretly replaced certain sections of the magazine with new Folgers Crystals.

2. The location of the apostolate's secret cache of automatic weapons and three year food supply.

1. The original marketing plan called for the magazine to be printed on solid gold plates, but this was rejected after being deemed by focus groups to be "too predictable."