|
 Marty
and I had been married for about a month when we had
our first big blowout. I got sarcastic, he started to
shout, and in no time at all I was crying my head off
in the bedroom as he slammed the door on the way out
of the apartment.
Eighteen years later I can still remember that fight.
Although it was painful it started us down the road
to successful problem solving. We rarely fight anymore,
and if we argue, it almost never gets hot. The reasons
for this are first, God's grace. And second, The Rules.
After The Big Fight of '83 we made rules for arguing
and have stuck to them (with numerous violations and
refinements) ever since.
Even though we're Christians, even though we pray and
go to Confession and Mass and try to be good Catholics,
we are bound to have disagreements, sometimes huge ones.
How we handle that challenge can mean the difference
between war and peace in our homes. Marty and I have
had our share of all-nighters. We have said harsh words
and have shed many tears. We have thought we were of
different species. When we read John Gray's Men Are
From Mars, Women are From Venus, we pointed at each
other and said, "That's exactly what you're like."
A happy marriage is a lot of work. The Rules helped
us do that work more effectively.
 One
of the single greatest witnesses to the truth of Jesus
Christ is the success and peace of Christian marriage.
With that in mind, I thought I'd pass along The Rules.
These rules have made a world of difference to us. We're
far from perfect, and our marriage has its flaws, but
we're way more in love than we were in '83.
To me, that says it all.
T
H E__R U L E S
by
Kris and Marty Franklin
|
1.
|
We
are on the same side. We are a team. The
goal is not for me to win. The goal is to
solve the problem and to love you better. |
|
2.
|
Your
feelings matter to me even if they are very
different from mine. I will not judge your
feelings. I will try to understand them
and I will try to help you understand mine. |
|
3.
|
I
will not shout, throw, or slam anything. |
|
4.
|
I
will not be sarcastic, call you names, or
swear. |
|
5.
|
I
will never threaten or even hint at the
possibility of divorce. We are in
this together for life. If I need space
to think, cool off, or pray, I'll ask for
it
and go to another room. I will not leave
the house in anger. |
|
6.
|
I
will not ascribe motives to your actions.
I cannot read your mind and won't try. |
|
7.
|
I
will keep quiet when you talk and listen
to everything you say. |
|
8.
|
I
will stick with this discussion for as long
as it takes. If we can't finish right now,
I will make a date in the very near future
to pick it up again. I will not leave problems
unresolved. |
|
9.
|
I
will not give you the silent treatment.
I will do my best to express my thoughts
and feelings so you can understand. I will
not clam up. I will not pout or manipulate
through guilt. |
|
10.
|
I
will ask for clarification when I don't
understand you. I will not jump to conclusions. |
|
11.
|
I
will not throw old sins in your face. |
|
12.
|
I
will apologize quickly if I break any of
the above rules and I will try to do better
as we go along. |
|
13
|
I
will admit when I am wrong. I will say I'm
sorry. I will ask for your forgiveness. |
|
14.
|
If
the children overhear us I will apologize
to each of them and explain that married
people argue even when they love each other
very much. I will assure them that I love
you and that our family is not in any danger
whatsoever. I will never make you out to
be the bad guy. |
|
15.
|
If we can't solve a problem on our own in
a reasonable amount of time, I will agree
to outside help. |
|
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