Scenario:
Tom has just taken a new job at a promising computer firm. Everyone he works with is friendly and supportive, and he feels at home in his new position. Here’s the problem: one of his co-workers, Roger, is a practicing homosexual. The two have become fast friends, and there’s no sense that Roger is interested in more than just friendship. In fact, he has a live-in partner and often tells Tom about his home life. While Tom listens and enjoys very much their conversations, he’s concerned about his friend and the spiritual damage he’s doing to himself. He wants to share the gospel with Roger but isn’t sure how to go about it without offending him. Roger has had many negative experiences with Christians and is very sensitive when it comes to his sexual orientation. How can Tom be sensitive and yet speak the truth?

I’ve been in a situation very similar to this and it was my experience that little, if any, meaningful conversation can occur without Roger being offended. It’s inevitable that he’ll be offended by the truth taught by the Church regarding the homosexual lifestyle since one cannot help but be upset when told, however lovingly and carefully, that they’re living in sin.

Timing is very important. It may be that Tom goes weeks or months before talking about this matter with Roger. But once he does, the key is the manner in which Tom approaches Roger regarding this tough, but necessary truth. Perhaps he broaches the subject by saying something like: “Roger, I was wondering if we might have an open and honest discussion about something very important to me.” If the answer is affirmative, continue by saying, “I need to tell you something that will upset you. But before you react, please know that I really care about you and am doing this out of concern for your well-being.” Roger will certainly know what Tom is about to discuss. He may become angry. Whatever the reaction, Tom needs to keep his cool. The least sign of anger or impatience on his part will open the door for Roger to possibly accuse him of “bigotry” or “homophobia.” He may do so regardless.

The goal should be a frank discussion as to why Tom believes the homosexual lifestyle — just like adultery and other sexual sins — is harmful, both physically and otherwise, and incompatible with true human dignity. Tom should speak the truth with humility and without any sense of “being better” than Roger. The point he should make is that we all sin and commit acts that are harmful to ourselves and others. Difficult to do? Yes. Essential? Yes. 

Chances are, as I found out, it will not go well. Likely, Tom will be given a cold shoulder and may even be attacked in various ways. He needs to be consistent in his evenhanded and charitable approach, never giving room for valid criticism. He should not treat Roger any differently at work and not overreact to any attacks that may come his way. And above all, he needs to pray for the Holy Spirit to work in Roger’s heart.

Carl Olson, via e-mail

One must be true to one’s self, and to God. I’d advise Tom to share the Good News as freely as he can, with grace, and without fear. They’re friends, after all. He doesn’t have to go directly at the topic of his friend’s unfortunate perversion, if he senses it wouldn’t be received well. There are plenty of attractive things about the life of Christ and His Church. Tom has a chance of success if, with grace, he waits on the prompting/opportunity of the Holy Spirit. Tom would be unwise to hastily give advice to one who’s so entrenched in a bad lifestyle, and who has expressed hurt with Christians in the past. So far, Roger has given him no reason to believe he’s looking for advice. 

On the other hand, given Tom’s concern for Roger’s moral and spiritual well-being, and his knowledge of the “Truth that sets men free,” it will be impossible to procrastinate for long. Tom has a responsibility. They’re friends and, ultimately, he owes it to Roger to make a special time for discussion — or at least be prepared to voice his authentic concerns with charity and a view to his friend’s eternal happiness. Tom would do well to have on hand the number of an organization like Courage, founded by Fr. Harvey, to direct Roger to Church-approved assistance in exiting a harmful lifestyle.

One more thing: the possibility that Tom risks an “upset” in the work environment is no reason to indefinitely avoid his responsibility to his vocation as a baptized member of Christ’s Mystical Body (which promises victory of some sort, even if consequences first appear negative). A Christian should not necessarily expect negative consequences, though; there’s power in God’s Word! Tom needs to trust Him and do what’s right. 

Tim Brophy, via e-mail

Tom can ask Roger if he knew he was a devout Catholic, and has been taught that homosexual activity (though not the orientation) is against God’s law. Once it’s out of the closet that Tom has been brought up to look at this as wrong, they could continue with more of a question and answer format. 
Once Roger knew how Tom came at this issue, maybe Roger would see it was Tom’s concern and brotherly love that was being demonstrated through his interest in Roger’s spiritual life. Tom may learn something about this lifestyle so that he could help other homosexuals in the future. 

Tom should find out what Roger thinks of his own spirituality. If Roger is also Christian, Tom can ask him why he only chooses to follow the teachings that are easy for him, while ignoring the hard teachings. This could be a wonderful opportunity to bring up obedience and authority and their place in the spiritual life. 

These and many more are the obstacles Tom faces. It won’t be easy. That’s why Tom needs to get Roger to do most of the talking. Use the Socratic method. Sadly, walking on eggshells is the only way to handle the topics our culture deems taboo for conservatives to discuss, e.g. homosexuality, divorce, teen sex, immorality, immodesty, etc. 

Don Ross, Pittsburgh, PA

Perhaps Tom has been put in just this situation so that he can make a difference in Roger’s life. Living out the gospel message he holds so dear may be the best way for Tom to share Christ’s Truth with Roger, enabling him to come to know the place God holds in Tom’s life.

Rather than making an outright evangelistic maneuver, Tom’s witnessing will come in the way he responds to the things Roger chooses to share with him. Since they’ve become fast friends, Roger knows Tom is nonjudgmental of his chosen lifestyle and is someone he can talk to, have fun with and trust. In this framework of mutual trust, Tom can share his faith with Roger without Roger’s feeling he’s being somehow “judged.” He has come to know and trust Tom and will be more receptive and respectful of his view of life, which is based on his faith in the gospel. 

Susie Scott, Linthicum, MD

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