What Would You Do? - Our Readers

I Can't Go For That
What would you do in this situation? Readers solve the dilemma.

The Scenario:
Dave was happy when Scott, his best friend, asked him to be the best man at his wedding. The two had been pals since childhood, and both were raised Catholic. Earlier, Scott was the best man at Dave's wedding, and the bachelor party he threw for Dave involved some very unchaste activities. Now, Scott expects Dave to throw a bachelor party for him with the same immoral "entertainments." However, after getting married, Dave experienced a reconversion to Christ and abandoned his former immoral attitudes and activities. He returned to the sacraments, had his marriage blessed and developed a healthy prayer life. Here's the problem: When Dave explained that he couldn't in good conscience attend that kind of party, Scott angrily accused him of being a "goodie two shoes" and a "holier than thou hypocrite." Dave knows this is a prime opportunity to share Christ with Scott, but he's not sure how to do it in a way that will preserve their friendship and remain true to his commitment to chastity. What should he do? What would you do?

This is exactly what happened to me a few years ago, although it involved my brother-in-law, not my best friend. When they heard I wasn't going to attend because there was going to be the "traditional" activities going on, all the members of the family were outraged (because they had all come to my bachelor party). I attended, but exited prior to the "entertainment." This seemed to appease all parties involved. I held my to my commitment to the Faith and still maintained peace in the family.

As to the "sharing Christ" part, I'm not sure that the opportunity would present itself to effectively evangelize at this type of party. Therefore, I suggest Dave do what I did. He should go to the party but excuse himself prior to the inappropriate activities.
Dave R. Keene, Imperial, PA

I'll deal with the easy part first. If Scott does intend to throw a "stag party," then clearly Dave cannot attend such an activity, as it would be a sin to do so. Not only that, but it would be a source of scandal. So how should Dave persuade Scott not to indulge in such sins? After fortifying himself with prayer, Dave should seek Scott out to explain his stand.

Dave could start by asking Scott whether he believes in the Golden Rule, (do unto others as you want others to do unto you). Chances are, Scott will agree, since he probably still has some Catholic conscience left in him. Anyway, the Golden Rule is a maxim that is found in virtually all religions of the world. Dave should ask Scott whether he would like it if his wife-to-be (or mother or sister) were involved in such activity. Any normal person, I think, would say, "No!" Nor would he want anyone to treat them as objects of lust. So, applying the Golden Rule, Dave should ask Scott to be consistent. If he wouldn't want others to engage in that activity with someone he loves, he shouldn't engage in it with others (remember, all women are daughters or sisters). Do unto others as you want others to do unto you.

As a coup de grace, Dave could explain to Scott that the human heart and conscience are instinctively aware that there is something wrong with this activity; this is why a person is repulsed when his loved ones get involved in such "commerce." However, when it's a question of strangers parading around and selling themselves, the human heart tends to disentangle itself from the issue of morality (since the sin is happening to someone else). To act in this way is hypocritical. Dave applies his moral standard across the board and does not discriminate against people who are not his near and dear ones. Scott, on the other hand, applies a double standard. It may take a few more heart-to-heart sessions (and prayers) to turn Scott around, but it is, I think, a good idea to show Scott that his "broadmindedness" is actually hiding a hypocritical and uncharitable attitude. This should all be done with gentleness and courtesy, of course, the way St. Francis de Sales would have done it.
Kelvin Chia, Republic of Singapore

With several important goals in mind (preservation of friendship, sharing Christ, commitment to chastity), and a high degree of probability that he will not attain all of them in the short time available, Dave should first get his priorities straight. Seek first the kingdom of God, and all things will be added unto you. His commitment to chastity comes first, even before friendship.
Ajig Alcalde, via e-mail

Change is the hardest thing any of us ever have to do. Total change in conversion comes from God's grace filling and transforming us. Trying out your new self on a friend who knew the old self usually leads to accusations of hypocrisy. Obviously, Scott values his friendship with Dave, but hasn't accepted this new side of him. Dave has to be true to what he knows is right. He can give Scott more time to get to know him as he is now without letting the bachelor party be the focus of their friendship. If Scott chooses to have someone else throw the party, so be it. We cannot control another person's response to us. There were probably some things that went on at the first party that could be revised and redone in honor of the new groom-to-be. The focus of the party shouldn't be immoral, but rather, to honor the man to be wed in a truly Christian way.
Cindy Balfour, Austin, TX

Dave needs to share from his own experience, not point an accusing finger at Scott. Scott still believes (wrongly) that following God's commandments means foregoing much of what is fun and pleasurable in life. As C.S. Lewis puts it in The Joyful Christian: "The terrible thing, the almost impossible thing, is to hand over your whole self — all your wishes and precautions — to Christ. But it is far easier than what we are all trying to do instead. For what we are trying to do is to remain what we call 'ourselves,' to keep personal happiness as our great aim in life, and yet at the same time be 'good.' We are all trying to let our mind and heart go their own way — centered on money or pleasure or ambition — and hoping, in spite of this, to behave honestly and chastely and humbly. And that is exactly what Christ warned us you could not do." Dave needs to let Scott know the cost of sin. How did Dave feel after his own bachelor party a few years ago? Did such behavior get his marriage off to the start he'd hoped for? Or did his actions result in secret, disturbing regrets as he faced the realization that his behavior was hardly an appropriate way to celebrate his new, loving commitment to wife and family? And what toll does the objectification of females take on a marriage? Does it encourage a more profound level of intimacy, sharing and communication? Or will it invariably lead to deceit, manipulation, and remoteness, with the male inhabiting a fantasy world which he cannot share with his spouse? Dave must share with Scott the joy he's received, in exchange for leaving his juvenile approach to this issue behind.

As Lewis concludes in his reflection, "When [Jesus] said, 'Be perfect,' He meant it. He meant that we must go in for the full treatment. It is hard, but the sort of compromise we are all hankering after is harder — in fact, it is impossible. It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird; it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. We are like eggs at present. And you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. We must be hatched or go bad." To extend the analogy, Dave has to find a way to communicate to Scott the joys of flight.
Gregory Otis, Toledo, OH

Next Issue's Scenario:
Michael is a retired Catholic who loves to work in his garden. One day, while pulling weeds, he got into a conversation with his neighbor, Steve. He and his wife, Liz, were visited a couple weeks ago by some missionaries from the local Calvary Chapel. Now the two Evangelicals are coming back every week to hold a Bible study with the couple. This worries Michael. Steve and Liz are what he calls "Sunday Catholics" — they come to Mass on Sunday, but aren't really involved in parish life. He knows this "Bible study" will lead them right out of the Church and into many Protestant heresies. He's seen it before. Unfortunately, Michael himself has no training in Scripture or apologetics. What should he do? What would you do?



E-mail your 200-word or less suggestion to brianpl@erols.com, or mail it to "What Would You Do?," Envoy Magazine, P.O. Box 640, Granville, OH 43023.