Girl Talk
Evangelizing Over Coffee
By Kristen West McGuire

You know the situation. Your close friend of many years, a committed Evangelical Christian, drops by with her kids for coffee (or lies in wait for you by the office coffee machine). Seemingly without effort, she draws the conversation to your Catholic Faith, which is deficient by biblical standards, or so she thinks. How do you share your faith, keep the friendship friendly, and (gulp) maybe even cause Tiffany Charismatic to question her assumptions?

Many Catholics feel ill-equipped to trade Bible verses with Evangelicals. In my experience, women seem even more reticent than men to start thumbing through the Bible under pressure. I think I know why. Even with three years of graduate level theology under my belt, and countless hours reading the Bible in the interim, I still remember only the gist of what the Good Book says, and only occasionally the exact chapter and verse. My thought is more intuitive than logical, more feminine than masculine.

God doesn't only need scriptural jousting champs. Proof-texting usually only works on Evangelical Protestants, and there are so many other types of seekers out there. I'm just as likely to converse with a "cafeteria Catholic" or devout feminist as an Evangelical Protestant. We should be ready to evangelize the stranger on the bus and our wayward brother-in-law. We must share the truth with equal fervor, but also with individual focus.

Evangelizing women can be frustrating for men. Men tend to like the Dragnet approach: "Just the facts, ma'am." Women are concerned with truth as it exists in relationship to people and lives. Reaching out to women is easier, and harder, for that reason. For example, the Catholic teaching on birth control is easy to explain from a feminine point of view. However, the implications of that teaching are a tough sell. The woman usually is more acutely aware of the practical consequences of a faith decision to follow God's will in this area. Natural Family Planning is next to impossible without the active support of the husband.

Clearly, conversion to the fullness of faith implies a strengthening of trust in God. Only God can perform that miracle, so we're only His messengers, preparing hearts to dive more deeply into His mercy. Like Mary before us, we should be amazed with the fruit God creates from our weak faith. As we humbly step back from the Gospel encounter, we discover we're also the recipient of the Good News. In explaining the Faith, our own faith is strengthened.

Thus, evangelization can and should be a Marian adventure. Our interactions with others become an extended Magnificat. Those who aren't energized by Mary's quiet example would do well to remember that she pondered things silently in her heart at the temple (cf. Luke 2:51), and was pushy when moved by the Holy Spirit at the wedding feast in Cana (cf. John 2:3-5). Mary mastered a balance between deep recollection and Spirit-guided action. This, my friends, is girl talk that God can use!

Consider how effective Mary was at Cana: she recognized the needs of the wedding party, and witnessed to the power of Christ to meet their needs. If St. Paul had been there, he might have stood up and lectured the guests on the great generosity of our Lord, and then taken up a collection to buy the needed wine. Instead, Mary boldly asked Christ to be Who He was, and then humbly stood back as He worked a miracle. I want to suggest that only the pondering heart of Mary in the temple will lead to the audacious heart of Mary at Cana.

So, go on, girls! Pick up your coffee cups with confidence, because there's much to be gained in engaging in loving conversations with the "doctrinally-challenged." Just keep in mind this baker's dozen of intuitive, Marian considerations as you set your tone and tenor:

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First, practice what you preach. Talk is soooo cheap. We all know it, and yet we still talk the Faith instead of live it. You can't share what you don't have. An active relationship with the Holy Spirit is indispensable in apologetics! Our outward virtues, our hospitality to all, our relations with our family members and our willingness to suffer for the sake of the Faith will speak volumes to the non-Catholic.

My own conversion was sparked in part by my admiration for a Catholic professor at the Protestant seminary I attended. Not only was she virtuous, she was truly intelligent and humble. Her integrity forced me to take the Catholic Church seriously. When my intuitive grasp of theology led me to the door of the Church, I found her example decreased my initial resistance.

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Second, seek a conversation, not a lecture. There's an unfortunate tendency among some evangelists to lecture, and sometimes even pontificate. They forget that so many of the alternative "theologies" took root because of pride in the face of character flaws. We need to be continually open to the ways that the difficulties of others can help us learn how to love more deeply and augment our own weak faith. We shouldn't love less truthfully, just more charitably.

Winners at the evangelization game strike a balance between a humble approach and firmness of conviction. Your friend may have much to teach you in many areas of the faith. Or, she may just be so obnoxious that God wants you to love her as an exercise in heroic virtue (or dare I say, penance?). Either way, everyone hates a know-it-all. Make it clear that you are talking with her because you find it rewarding. She need not learn until much later that your patience with her bought you less time in purgatory.

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Third, be a good listener, and consider the source. Analyze what her motivation might be. Quite often, there is some event in the recent past that's caused her to choose "anti-biblical" topic A as a conversation starter. Did her Catholic aunt remarry recently? Did her pastor preach on Sunday about reaching out to the "unchurched"? Do you have a new picture of St. Michael the Archangel up in the dining room?

Often, women will ask questions with many layers of meaning. If you can pinpoint her motivations, it can help you to answer the question underneath the questions. For example, she may be uncomfortable with the way her pastor treats women in her church. She might bring up your loyalty to the pope, or your submission to your husband, as bait. If you read her correctly, you can gently steer her back to her issue.

This kind of cognitive dissonance is more common than one would think. It's always easier to solve the problems of others than to tackle our own. Look for the red flag of disinformation based on biased sources. Too many times, it's just Pastor Bob, or the New York Times, preserving their ideology as they opine about supposed Catholic problems. Puh-leez! Remember that many nondenominational pastors don't even hold a degree in theology. And you really don't want to know the limited theological background of most religion reporters.

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Fourth, know who's zoomin' who. The one insulting your faith and lifestyle is the one with the "issue" (see example above). At a practical level, if your friend can write off your faith to faulty intelligence, injured self-esteem or ignorance of biblical teaching, she doesn't have to take you seriously. Remember that, and forgive accordingly when others treat you with less respect than you deserve. I've had more than one person ask me a question in a tone of voice that clearly implied lessthan holy intentions. They wanted to pick a fight. Jesus said, "Don't throw your pearls before swine" (Matt. 7:6). I take his advice literally and politely change the subject.

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Fifth, you are not obligated to swallow hard and suffer in silence every time you're insulted. You don't have a psychological, intellectual or some other kind of problem for being a Catholic. Follow the advice of the psychologists: use an "I" statement. "I was offended when you said that. Do you really mean to imply that I'm Catholic because I have poor self-esteem?"

Another tactic is to ask your "friend" why she wants to know your answer. Try, "What do you mean?" or "Why do you want to know?" This puts you back in the drivers seat. Jesus himself asked the Pharisees, "Why do you put me to the test, you hypocrites?" (Matt. 22:18) This is an excellent way of defusing a situation that could become heated. You are then free to explore both her limited understanding of Catholic doctrine and her motivations in questioning you.

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Sixth, beware your bete-noire or "know your own psychological junk." The best way to explain myself is to share my junk with you. I am easily offended by those who would like to explain my faith by denigrating my intelligence. I value my brain far too highly. I forget that Jesus requires us to love our jousting opponents as well. Let the Holy Spirit help you decide how to handle it when someone dings your bell.

Once, a group of lay Catholics started in on women's ordination. I seethed in silence for about three minutes, and then abruptly interrupted their discussion. I briefly shared my background, and then asserted that it was entirely possible that they knew very little about the theology they were attacking. Anyone who wished could ask me about it later, but could we return our meeting to the original agenda (wholly unrelated to women's ordination)?

It would have been a terrific opportunity to catechize these people, but I was too angry to do it with any love in my heart. I would have beaten them up theologically, thus dinging their bells and increasing their resistance to truth. I had to back out, and I couldn't help being just a little flamboyant about it to feed my ego. Mea culpa, mea culpa. . .

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Seventh, be honest about the areas of faith that are difficult for you. If you can, share some intimate details of the spiritual graces you're receiving from your struggles. This is a powerful witness, but be aware that it's risky as well. Be sure you are able to cover the spiritual, intellectual and biblical rationale for the doctrine in question.

This approach almost certainly requires a long-term relationship to be successful. Your friend will need time to digest the solid reasons why you accept the Church's teachings even in the face of their practical difficulty. People don't need any help finding reasons not to be Catholic. The Catholic Faith looks very difficult to practice from the outside in. Once inside, however, the Catholic is supported by sacramental graces. Everyone needs to know about the powerful and Real Presence of Jesus in His Church.

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Eighth, be aware of the ways your personal biography or lifestyle may "set you up." Admittedly, I am more provocative than most. As a former Methodist seminarian and home schooling mother of five, I don't have to say much to engage my accusers. I would guess if you subscribe to Envoy, your faith challenges people, too.

You should be ready with several "pat speeches" corresponding to the issues you generally find leveled at you. I hold forth on the Church's opposition to women's ordination and artificial contraception. A hospice care worker should be ready to discuss homosexuality and purgatory. A banker might carry a copy of Centessimus Annus, an encyclical by John Paul II about economic justice, in her briefcase.

Be sensitive to the amount of information you share. My background and lifestyle tend to be overwhelming to others. If my style is too aggressive, they immediately want to escape the flood! When I remember to let the facts of my conversion drip more slowly, the timid are more likely to sidle up close to the fountain. By the same token, when a "mousy" Catholic housewife suddenly lets loose with a quick and cogent rebuttal of new age nonsense, everyone is surprised and impressed. Such small surprises shatter stereotypes, and help others to see that Jesus deals with individuals, not sheep.

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Ninth, let them do the asking. Resist the temptation to "explain yourself completely." If we begin to jabber on about our lives, we sometimes miss the opportunity to let someone ask us questions that would help us learn the exact points where they are vulnerable to the truth. Let them marvel privately until curiosity gets the best of them. This is an excellent Marian discipline; ponder things in your heart while you are waiting.

Forcing the other person to ask the questions is also helpful in sustaining a friendship after conversion. Eventually, the close friends and family will ask you why you converted (or started to take the faith so seriously). I deliberately forced a friend into begging for my version of a doctrine we were discussing. We both knew she really wanted to challenge my answer, not listen to my reasons. However, my reluctance forced her to take my response in the context of continuing a loving friendship. I'm pleased to report we remain close friends.

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Tenth, acknowledge the elephant in the living room. Don't take it for granted that the other person realizes the two of you differ widely in your beliefs as Christians. People want to be comfortable, and share what they have in common. They like to pretend all Christians are the same. Sometimes, the Holy Spirit won't allow me to play along with this charade.

I was recently commended by a fellow alumnus (and his wife) of the Protestant seminary I attended for converting "to unify my marriage." After a quick inward prayer, I let it be known that I converted because the Catholic Church teaches the fullness of the Faith, and I believe she is the Bride of Christ. The conversation ended shortly thereafter, but that's okay. My response made them uncomfortable, and forced them to deal honestly with the implications of my conversion.

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Eleventh, be aware of the relationships that a potential conversion could alter or even destroy. Be sensitive to the many roadblocks to conversion that are present in a person's life. Most particularly, note the presence of an anti-Catholic spouse. I know too many women who are truly unable to be fair to the Catholic Church for this reason. The harder you push the friend, the more you will seem to her like a marriage destroyer. Pray for her instead, and let her ask the questions.

It's also wise at times to postpone the apologetics lesson if other circumstances (employee relations, family tension, etc.) dictate silence. We had an Evangelical Protestant baby-sitter once. She went to Chile over Christmas to "serve the poor." Careful questioning revealed that "service" was mostly confined to seeking out children to help build up the Sunday School of a Protestant tent church down there. Ahem. . .

I didn't feel comfortable challenging her until after our permanent relocation to another state several months later. I sent her the short conversion testimony of the former missionaries to Guatemala from the premier issue of Envoy. I added a note which told her briefly about my discomfort with her missionary efforts. Now, she can ponder my information free of the need to have cordial relations with me. And I didn't have to find another baby-sitter who could handle my children, one of whom is autistic.

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Twelfth, don't be afraid to say you don't know. If you can't answer someone's question, say so. Then, find out the answer (from your priest, from the Catechism, from one of the many magazines and apostolates devoted to helping Catholics. . . just find it!) and get back to her. She will be impressed with your diligence, and you will learn something new.

If your friend insists on biblical back-talk, you can silence her with a fun biblical insight: Ask your friend where it says in the Bible that only the Bible is authoritative in matters of the Faith. The Bible doesn't say that. Your friend may give you a few verses, but if you look them up together, you'll see the Bible doesn't limit revelation to itself, and in fact refers repeatedly to the teaching authority of the apostles (2 Thessalonians 2:15; Luke 10:16).

Finally, don't worry about losing the occasional battle. You can't win 'em all. Rest easy in two facts. First, all baptisms in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit are valid in the eyes of the Church. Your baptized friends are under the watchful guidance of the Holy Spirit already. Second, the place on the cross has already been filled. You are not the Messiah. You don't have to convert everyone all by yourself.

Take on the humble mantle of Mary, our Mother in the Faith. Empty yourself of the pride that makes you wish you were better at this sort of thing. Fill yourself up with the merciful knowledge that Christ makes all of us adequate for the task. He will complete the work begun in each of us Himself. By little and by little, Christ wins the debate in each person's life.