What Would You do? - Our Readers

How Will I Tell My Father?
What would you do in this situation? Readers solve the dilemma.

Scenario:

Cathy, 32, is the youngest of five children. She has a close relationship with her parents, particularly with her father. She has practiced her Catholic Faith devoutly since childhood, Since graduating from college she has been active in the pro-life movement. Cathy's father is now in his late 60s. Although he was raised a Catholic and raised his children Catholic, he has sunk into a state of cynicism and apathy toward God and anything spiritual. His interest in religion has dwindled to the point that he no longer attends Mass or even prays.
Cathy is worried about her father's spiritual state. His health is declining steadily, but he doesn't express any worry about eventualities like heaven and hell, nor is he interested in renewing his relationship with Christ and receiving the sacraments. She doesn't know how to tell him that he needs to revive his faith before he dies. She's sure he's not "invincibly ignorant," but she knows he has a good heart. How can Cathy bring him back to the Faith? What should she do? What would you do?

We all can empathize with Cathy, especially in light of the fact that nobody knows the day or the hour of their own death, let alone the death of a loved one. Age and deteriorating health create a heightened awareness of impending judgment. It seems that evangelizing our own families and close friends is the hardest, because of the personal risk of alienation. Despite Cathy's fear of reprisals from her father, she has a duty to evangelize him. Cathy is already doing a great deal to foster change in her father by the example she lives every day. Actions really do speak louder than words. I would suggest that Cathy include her father in her daily devotions. Of course this invitation is easier said than done, especially given his lack of interest, if not cynicism, toward the Faith. Cathy could leverage the father/daughter relationship and appeal to her dad's sense of love for his children. Faith is a large part of Cathy's life and if her father really wants to understand his daughter, he will feel inclined to share (perhaps in baby steps) in whatever it is that is bringing her such joy. Through conversation with her dad, Cathy should seek the root cause of his falling away. A negative seed was planted in his reasoning which has blossomed into a complete turning away. Only when the core problem (or problems) are discovered will Cathy really be able to combat her father's apathy with the truths of the Faith.
David L. Baugh, Fairfield, OH

I believe Cathy's first response to her father's cooled faith would be to pray and sacrifice for his return of the practice of the Faith. He seems to be suffering from that spiritual malaise, which can progress to spiritual hardness of heart, that occurs when a Catholic no longer participates in the sacramental life of the Church. She should make a special effort to pray for him by offering up her Masses, visits to the Blessed Sacrament, holy hours of adoration, and rosaries. This will give her the firm foundation for any subsequent actions she might take. Cathy might consider discussing her father's situation with his pastor at his parish (if he considers himself a member of a parish) or with a priest or religious with whom he might have had a friendly relationship. She should look for opportunities to share with her father the gifts and joys that she experiences from the Faith and remind him of his impact on her life through the tremendous gift of the Catholic Faith that he gave her and which he helped form and nurture as she grew up. This plan, placed lovingly and prayerfully in the hands of our Lord and with the intercession of our Blessed Mother, may bring Cathy's father back to his temporal and eternal home.
William, via e-mail

Cathy's father's scenario is a fairly common one. First, she should pray for his conversion, especially at Mass (cf. Mark 10:16-17; James 5:16, 19-20). Second, she should be respectful. If she comes off sounding condescending or preachy, she could push her father further away from the Church. She needs to set a good example and be charitable, governing her tongue (cf. James. 3:5-6, 9-10). Third, I recommend the "ask and seek" approach (cf. Matt. 7:7-8). Many have fallen away from the Faith because of negative incidents involving the Church. Cathy could begin by simply asking her father what caused him to stop practicing the Faith. She should then seek the answer by listening carefully. It's important not to appear to criticize, but to empathize with his situation, which may be largely emotional. "I can understand how you feel," are important words to use in this situation. Any number of things could have contributed to his loss of faith. Also, Cathy could leave some good Catholic literature laying out for her father to read. She could also hand it to him and say, "I read this, and found that it made sense. Let me know what you think after you read it, and we can talk about it."
Tony Kovach, Canyon, TX

Cathy should emphasize faith, hope, and charity when she talks to her father. She should explain to him that the reasons he gives for having lost his trust and hope are actually grounds for having them. For example, if he thinks that the evils he experienced in his life are inconsistent with the existence of an all-good God, or that that he can't trust a God who permits evil to exist, point out specific times in his life when good came from evil. Point out that this gives him reason to hope that good ultimately triumphs over the pain of death and that he can trust God to take care of him. Second, point out that many of his past actions were motivated by hope for the good outcome of a given situation. For example, he got married, launched a career, and started a family. Point out that abandoning hope and trust at the end of his life is inconsistent with the pattern of hope and trust in God's providence that had marked his life until now. Cathy should ask him to think about those times earlier in his life when he was most faithful and ask him if those times were not also the most peace-filled and satisfying. This will get him to think about God in ways he doesn't now. Finally, she should pray for his conversion and for her own efficacy in helping to convert him.
Brian Simboli, via e-mail

Cathy is in a difficult, but important, situation - one that challenges her own duties as a Catholic and brings to bear her responsibilities as both a daughter and a disciple of Christ. Her urgent task of helping to renew the lost faith in her father's heart demands of her an active participation in something greater. She must accept her role according to God's will, as Jesus did, to be strong and loving in the face of cynicism, rejection and indifference.
Cathy's predicament is particularly trying because it's her own father who has digressed into dejection and apathy. After being raised in a practicing Catholic family, and witnessing the good example set by her parents, and especially forming a special relationship with her father, Cathy must be careful not to overstep the boundaries inherent in any family. To authoritatively preach faith and salvation to her father would be mere arrogance. She must delicately encourage her father to return to the Church without driving him further into isolation. The most effective way to convert his disinterested heart is to pray and to continue to live according to her own beliefs and the example manifested by her parents when she was a child.
As Cordelia, the youngest daughter in Shakespeare's King Lear, supports her dying father in his blind rage, so too must Cathy graciously accept her duty to support her father through this difficult time of trepidation and doubt. By persisting in prayer, love, and hope, as St. Monica did for her rebellious son Augustine, Cathy can inspire and renew in her father a strong love for the Faith. Cordelia answers King Lear honestly when asked the question of how much she loves him. Knowing that death awaits him, King Lear is eager to divide his land between his three daughters. He divides the land according to each daughter's response of how much they love him. The two oldest daughters care very little about their father. In fact, they are anxious for his passing in order to inherit his wealth. They manipulate language to make their answers sound pleasing, and the king is convinced. When Cordelia confesses that she loves according to the bond that binds them (the same bond that ties Cathy to her father), King Lear dismisses her and divides his land between the two oldest daughters. Once they own the property, the daughters reject their father and Lear is left to wander in isolation and depression. Only at the end of the play does the reader come to understand Cordelia's answer, revealing the unconditional love and devotion she holds for her father.
On his deathbed, she alone goes to his bedside. She does not have to speak, cry, or demand an apology. All is forgiven in the stronger love that is now between them. Cordelia is patient, hopeful, loving, and charitable. In the same way, Cathy must wait patiently for her father's conversion of heart, for ultimately he is the only one who can choose it. Yet while the decision is his, she can do all that Cordelia did for King Lear: hope, love, and pray.
Christina, via e-mail

Next Issue's Scenario:

Dave and his Julie, a Catholic couple in their early 30s, are new to their neighborhood, having moved there a few months earlier from another state. Their neighbors are friendly and gregarious, and Dave and Julie are enjoying their new circle of friends. Between all the barbecues, Little League games, and neighborhood birthday parties their children are invited to, Dave and Julie are becoming well acquainted with their neighbors, several of whom are Evangelical Protestants. Things are fine until the afternoon of the neighborhood's annual Fourth of July block party. John, one of the Evangelical neighbors, begins to pass out anti-Catholic tracts to each adult and even to many of the older children. Julie realizes what's happening when her 9-year-old daughter brings her a tract she was given. The leaflet, produced by John's church, is an antagonistic slam against the Catholic Church's teachings regarding the Blessed Virgin Mary. Other tracts attack the Eucharist and pope. Dave and Julie are angry and embarrassed at John's actions. They want to confront him, but they don't want to ruin the neighborhood event and, since they have to live amidst these people, they wonder if they should just keep quiet and let it pass. What should they do? What would you do?

Send your response to "What Would You Do?", c/o Envoy Magazine, P.O. Box 85152, San Diego, CA 92186. Or fax your response to (619) 698-3469. E-mail responses can be sent to editor@envoymagazine.com.