Not anytime soon, as another bazillion spin-offs are being cranked out by hacks
12/31/2003 2:47:40 AM
Whenever I give talks about eschatology, the "Rapture," premillennial dispensationalism, and related matters, I am inevitably asked about the literary merits of the Left Behind books: "But aren't they a good read?" and "I think they're really entertaining. What do you think?"
Depending on the crowd and whether or not the person asking the question is bigger than I am, I will usually note that the books have all the literary merit of a junior high love note and are about as believable as a Bill Clinton speech, although not nearly as entertaining. Frankly, I tired quickly of hearing Catholics (and others) say, "I like the books because they're fun and easy to read." Yes, and so are the Sunday comics and the Hardy Boy books—but nobody is saying they are accurate portrayals of how the world will end.
Anyhow, I have launched this little rant because End of State, one of three Left Behind spin-offs, is now out and being fed like Bible prophecy candy to readers eager to read about characters who cry out to God once they realize they are stuck in a twenty-nine part Rapture novel (Think of this way: eleven Left Behind books have been published since 1995, which is nearly two years longer than the Tribulation will supposedly last. Haven't we suffered enough?)
This new "novel", written by Neesa Hart, is set immediately prior to the "Rapture" and focuses on the political side of life during the Tribulation era. An excerpt from the first chapter is available online and is not to be reproduced in anyway whatsoever or else Tim LaHaye will come to your house and force you to read the entire Left Behind series in one sitting, as well as view both of the movies, including the comments by Kirk Cameron at the end.
However, since this is a review, I am going to quote a bit from the book, for the purpose of asking, "Why in the world would anyone read this trash?", (because lots of people like trash) and, also, "How in the world can people write stuff this bad?" (because lots of people like money).
The book opens with Bradley Benton, a big-wig on the White House staff, sitting at home watching a Lakers-Knicks basketball game:
Before the set went blank, he'd been watching a basketball game. The live feed from the West Coast was just what he'd hoped for—a tough match between the Lakers and the Knicks. Then, with two seconds remaining, the score tied and the ball in the air looking like it might just sail into the net for three points that would give the game to the Lakers, the unimaginable happened. Both Laker forwards disappeared from the court.
Vanished.
Whoa. A basketball game is described as "a tough match"? Tennis, yes. Basketball, no. And both Laker forwards are Raptured? Sorry, but the only born-again Christians on the Lakers are Derek Fisher and Kobe Bryant, both of whom are guards. Also, if the game was tied and the Lakers had the ball, they likely wouldn't go for a three-pointer since they shoot a lousy percentage from beyond the arch. Kobe would hit an 18-footer from the top of the key, just as he did last week.
The camera zoomed in on the Lakers guard who stood staring at his teammates' uniforms where they lay on the floor in impossible silence. A slight movement near the guard's feet caught the cameraman's attention, and he zoomed to the floor where a single gold wedding ring, once worn by one of the forwards, rolled along the boards until it bumped into the guard's shoe and rattled to a stop. The noise seemed unnaturally loud in the huge arena, but it seemed to galvanize the stunned crowd.
This is soooo painful to read. First, it's a "court" and you don't talk about a basketball court as "the boards." This isn't hockey, after all. A board, in basketball, is a rebound. Secondly, there would never be a wedding ring rolling around on the floor because 1) NBA players never let on that they're married, just in case a groupie is in sight, and 2) NBA players aren't allowed to wear jewelry of any kind in a game. Which is why they all have tattoos.
Also, are we to believe that a bunch of people disappear and the cameraman focuses on a wedding ring? I understand that wedding rings are rather rare in Hollywood, but c'mon! Finally, if this actually occured in L.A., there would be looting within five seconds, perhaps even sooner.
So many problems and mistakes, all within the first few paragraphs. Sigh. Well, I'm off to read some real literature: the Sackett saga by Louis L'Amour, followed by some early Dan Brown. It's never too late to become familiar with great Western literature...
